Westeros Cake, Anyone?

I hold no copyright to the text below. All of it belongs to a certain dork who was supposed to be a Filipino but ended up being American. Or something. Anyway, I hope you have a pleasant read, it’s supposed to be fun. 😉

Westeros Cake
2 1/4 cups bleached flour
2 cups of sugar (preferably white cracky sugar)
1 cup of wildfire
3 dragon eggs
7 Kingdoms
1 Kingslayer (of the red and gold variety)
1 King in the North (must be hot and deflowered)
1 sword picked out of the night that is dark and full of terrors
Lots of fire
Lots of blood
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla extract (yes, actual vanilla extract, NO GUTTERING PLEASE)
A couple of direwolves
1 cake pan molded in the shape of Joffrey’s FACE

Mix the blood and sugar together until they form a disgustingly bloody consistency. Add the three dragon eggs and the vanilla extract and stir until everything is as red as Melisandre’s robes. Slowly–and carefully–add in the wildfire. Try not to make sudden movements.

Add the “dry” ingredients (flour, cinnamon, sword) and watch the reaction. In turn, add in each of the Kingdoms in alphabetical order. Free cities do not count! Stir the pot until consistency is as red as Melisandre’s robes (yeah, you get the picture). Pour the batter into the Joffrey cake-mold.

Have the Kingslayer fire up the oven to burnination degrees. Bake the batter until the White Walkers invade your kitchen. Have the King in the North take the cake to the Wall to cool. Send direwolves to attend to the King in the North, he’s going to need to safeguard that cake.

Serving Size: 7
Calories: Robert Baratheon levels of obesity
Price per slice: One bannerman


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