The Land Beyond

A poem for a book that I’m working on currently – it describes the mythical land that everyone wants to find due to its treasures and beauty. It’s supposed to be short and detailed but yet mysterious. I actually don’t like it at the moment so if anyone has any suggestions do feel free to speak up! 🙂

 

Over the sea filled with poisonous water,

Over six mountains higher than the clouds,

There exists a place of divine mater

With no space for cowardly crowds.

 

It is only meant for the lucky few

Those who are brave and strong enough

To go looking for it in the unknown blue

And survive a path that is uncannily rough.

 

A land filled with gold and treasure,

Magical artifacts and books of all kinds,

Enough to provide a lifetime of leisure

But it sure isn’t for those with weak minds.

 

You may be seriously craving to go there,

But of the road ahead you better beware.

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3 comments

  1. I really like the direction this is going. My only negative comments are the use of “cowardly” and “weak minds”.

    Do you consider the fearful and less intelligent to be inferior? Do you feel they should be segregated from the brave and intelligent? It sounds a bit condescending to me.

    If those you kept out of this ideal place were evil people, racists, rapists, murderers, fascists, homophobes, etc, I would like it more.

    To find a place that leaves out the less fortunate (those who have less courage and intelligence than yourself) is not something that appeals to me.

    After rereading it, it seems you might be aiming for a place for people with more motivation or incentive to make the world a better place, despite the obstacles. The ones you want to leave out are the one who get in the way, such as intolerant, judgemental and anti-progressive people. That’s the vibe I’m getting.

    Hope I gave some positive input, but I could be wrong. Anyway, I’m just sharing my views.

    Like

  2. I like the way it’s worded. But you know what, you used a lot of visual words, which is great, like crowds, rough, gold, road. Whenever I write pieces that can become their own “living poem” are do up a projective verse recreation of the piece. Many times I just go with the original, but still keep the projective piece, just to have, as they tend to be like art to me.

    For example: If this was my piece I’d start off using the word over, mountains and then space/crowds and use spacing, fonts to illicit the projective quality, where the aesthetics then match content.

    In the second stanza, you could use blue in part, then stutter the words in that final line to give the rough path image

    In the last I think Gold is probably all I’m seeing to go on, but that’s good too, as you could ground the art and the poetry together that way.

    Sorry if this sounds disjointed, not used to trying to explain it, but did the best I could. If you’d like to read more on this style of poetry, projective or concrete verse to name but a few of the many names this style has, can be searched and found rather easily.

    But again, I like it as it is too. Thanks

    Like

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